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Poems written when the world fell silent.

STUCK

My heart waits, aches for the certainty of Faith,

The place between is uncertain, unstable, afraid,

My heart is stuck and I cannot move forward and I am

Afraid of myself afraid of the darkness in me.


I wait like a tremulous bird for the stirrings of faith to rise

Rise from the ashes.

My phoenix wings are burnt and I am bereft,

When will love arise in my heart again.


I sit like a Janus jug turning.

Inside out,

Facing both ways .

Stuck as clay to the wheel for pots,

Turning turning turning

Face me forward, turn in me towards the new day


And begin again.



EXCAVATION


Talking, talking surface words of niceness, politeness

the ache beneath,

the lost conversations hidden forever in my heart rehearsed but never said,

to be in harmony, understood and understanding,

lifting the other from loss and pain,

Oh to be understood by you for you

to know how much you are loved,

ache in the bones loved.


MOTHER.


I do not know what to say how to let you know

- how much I want your healing,

I want your pain to be healed to be forgiven to be restored

for you to be back in the Fathers arms but I cannot get you to see I cannot open your eyes

I cannot reach you somehow and the wires are crossed

and the ache in me does not fade.

Time is lost time is gone and I would want you close by to me

so I can hold you and tell you all is well all is peace all is safe.

So I give you to God I pray His prayers

and place my trust in His amazing grace for you

love Mum x


BREAKING FREE


Forced into the light, by urgency for life,

Flower head shaking off the dirt receives grace like suns light

Deep deep in the clay I rise up bending, twisting, turning around clods

Forcing stretching until the earth breaks and stem, leaf and flower

stretch and breathe in air.




WHO AM I


This is me this is who I am alive,

In the moment in the present,

Deeply loved.

At home and at peace.

Rested in spirit and mind,

Hope lifted, Faith resurrected,

Closeness, blanket wrapped in love,

Nothing can disturb or distress,

Nothing to hurt me not even myself

practicing to self destruct.

I am safe, I am blameless as a new born.

Loved by God, by myself and all I know,


Thank you.


LEANING IN.


Being a friend is more about listening,

Listening between the words,

To the things half said

to the things hidden in the words.

An excavation of who you are

The undertones, the spaces.

We are alone even as we sit together

And yet the things most feared can be shared and carried.

We can lean into one another as I lean in to trust you

And you lean in to love me.

I lean into you Lord I lean in to hear your voice.

No more, no more dissonance, discord, misunderstandings

How tired I am of all of this.


TIDES


Silver is the grey across the sky falling to sea

all light spreading like a mantle .

The light makes diamond shapes on colored water blue yet grey again.

Re creating itself green, mustard, umber, silver, mauve and blue yet grey again,

The sea shifts and recoils from the land, returning to the deep,

and strengthens itself for a new tide.

Returning and retracing to swathe the mud flats, the pebbles and the sand with floods of sea.


BREATHLESS


The birds are breathless as they fly away into the silver spray and sky.

Flying towards the outer edges of this curve of earth,

Where sea meets sky.

Wings sensing the currents before

they rise and rest and drop like a stone

They trust the wind will catch them

and it does.

Adventurers, free wheelers.

turning, tumbling, floating,

flying free

Born to be.



FIGURE DANCING


Figures move and merge, then part and turn,

dancing melodic


opposite then side by side

your partner, then mine


So it is in the great dance of life,


Facing inwards, loving forwards

turning away back to back,


loving and taking, offering and refusing

melting and merging,


rising and falling.

waiting and running,


Like a bird flashing its stunning feathers.

We signal our attraction


Curious.


THE DANCE.


I dance on ice daily,

teeter on jagged frozen plates

I disperse the load across the stretch of my feet.

lifting myself as if by unseen threads to

avoid the drop beneath,

Each step a risk each motion a threat

muscles taut with stress, distress

This is how it is with you, this is how it feels,

unsafe,

dancing on thin ice.



DULL DAY


The washing hangs,

Matching the mournful mood of the sky

- underwear matches,

The wind has left and blown herself away

And the air is silent, empty,

No sound,

My blouse upside down again, disorientated,

Ready to be drowned in water

Again once it starts,

Like becalmed sails in a sea

Distressed dresses wait

Limp

My brain is hanging,

Numb

Waiting for the breath of life to blow

It will I expect.



WASTE


The earth is turning to a new cadence,

Monumental, taking the breath from my soul,

Breath taking.

The earth is spinning slower, the universal breaks are on

Time is reframed and

we travel on her motion unaware.


The time is now no more delays.

The moment has come to rise again to lift high again to believe again

To move-

The hesitation must stop, no more wasted time.




OLD PLACES.


The old places are dead like an ancient river bed dried and cracked.

Rock hard.

Water stagnates

Floating on the surface.

No life,


FACES.


Faces rise and fall in a crowd

Of busy bodies in the street,

Moon shaped moulded by

Life's insistent incidents,


Faces wearing expressions like

clothing chosen to wear for the day.

Faces hardened with work to death and worry,

lined with grief and woes,

folded up with laughter

trembling with giggling

pale with fright, fraught with

inner arguments

Faces being fed, snacking pecking free range

Faces run with sweat, busy, busy, oh to be there oh to be where I was meant to be

Times ago.

Faces beautiful, sculpted by experience and life.


DEPTHS.


Down in the depths of me there is a wasteland,

A place so barren.

My soul is dead in parts, it is heavy with life's

Sadness and grief

And I am too scared to open the room and look inside.

To allow the healing of love and laughter again,.

There is no where to hide, no place to run.

I cannot fight myself I must relent and open up me

to the deepest love of all.

He who tasted and drank deeply of the cup of sorrow

UNDERSTANDS

so that I can,



WHY?


Don't you know that I see it all,

I see the wanting to be the best, the apex,

the longing for significance,

That causes you to look down ever so slightly on me, it is subtle but I see,

Wanting to pull me down to your shape and size, to manage me

to make me in your image

But I am not I am free in God's image to be who He wants me to be.

Oh let me go and let me fly free.

Don't try to make who you think I should be but let me just be.

Then I will be free and you will enjoy me more.

And we will laugh and joke about this time and the passing through

the valley.

Be free to be all you are and never doubt my cheering from the sidelines.





MY FATHER SAID

My beautiful ones, made

to reflect all my glory and majesty.

Don't run away and hide

don't hide from me the unspeakable things you are

and have been and say inside yourself

For I know it all,

And I love you

I love you

I love you.

I love you.


FLIGHT

Have freedom

fly with me.

It is better if we fly above the earth's

travails and suffering

for there we will be able to see

See solutions, answers,

To see clearly from above

the eternal perspective

down to earth.



DAUGHTER.


You are bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,

you startle me with the way I see my other self in you.

The child, the girl, the woman.

You puzzle me.

You antagonize me

You hide from me

You throw your anger and disdain at me.

You are up for the fight..

You hide because you are known

You break out in laughter and excitement, anticipation.

You dance with joyful abandonment.

And I fall in love with you again.



I cry for your wounds knowing I can only partially heal,

kiss them better put on a love sticking plaster.

God heals all wounds He is tender in this.


HURT

Volcanic rage, molten anger,

Furious hurt.

It's not fair I cry.

No it's not He says.

But the only person you hurt is you.


DOWNPOURS

Sudden shock falling

Onto the place/space I am,

No warning.

Unprepared I am afraid,

of the downpour.

It exposes me.


Sharp pin point

daggers of water,

shock treatment

awake to the marrow

blast away the numbness,

revived.


LISTEN

Listen the rocks are singing,

the stones are crying out,

They sing the song of times before time

They pour out their praise,

they Hallelujah day and night,

They state the obvious

blindingly,

They hide behind, hardened exteriors

shaped by wave and wind into landscape

If they monumental, stately, grand

Praise.

Let your rock hard heart be broken wide open

and Praise!!


LOVE

Love is a tidal wave, endless rising from the depths of God's heart,

love is a force of grace and kindness-

rich in beauty and sweetness,

waters clean and clear,

rippling with life,

glistening with tears

running, laughing babbling

overjoyed

seeping in

trickling through

gushing,

torrents of love,

Oceans.


Out today,

Not at home

The place I hide,

Like some hot house plant,

Rarefied,

Out to face life in the living.


DEGAS


Monsieur De Gas well heeled,

Alone with paintings, and the company,

Of pastels,

Berthe Morisot talks,

Ooo la la Miss Lala

ascending,

Jete, arabesque

colors of the dance

Work in woman form, ironing yawning,

bathing.

Spartans forever in the fight.

Eyes fail me.

I am alone sightless,

but my name is Degas.


WORDS

Stabbing your words makes me feel sick

makes me want to retch with pain,

knife edge, twisted.

hurting in the flesh wounds

revisiting

old bruises screaming agony,

deep deep into the private pain.

Unseen.

dark red blood

from my soul.

and I cry.


ROCKING

The sea rocking, slapping port side

hulls and sails jibe

cutting a fresh stroke

through the spray,

house of light shifts sea

into coloured diamonds

horizon sways green grey,

motion of a deeper rhythm,

and I am rocking in your arms.


WALK ALONG THE CLIFF TOP.

Narrow path skirting the cliff edge

trees blown flat

bent into shape.


Giant hand of wind,

whipped into a frenzy

plaited the grass


Hard worked soil,

tilth dug

rain flooded.


Mud sucking

at my ankles

stuck,


Eyes sting with rain

half closed

biting on the skin,


Raincoat filled with wind and me

like a sail on dry land,

I jibe.


Sounds of sea on stones

tumbling, rustling

echoes of shells


Edges evaporate

slide to the bottom,

path retraced.




Here I can see,

the open sea,

through the Needles eye.



WOMEN WHO WAIT


I have waited for beauty, lovely as a sun kissed dawn,


I have waited for my knight,

courageous in his shining armour

to catch me, rescue me, slay the dam dragon


I have waited for the babe within my being

to grow, delighting in the poking finger of life inside this swelling body,

Waiting cell by glorious cell, to be shaped and formed

into you my lovely child,


I have waited while the child grew

blossoming, laughing, maturing,

I have waited for you to return to me as I let you go.


I have waited at school gates,

teachers desks, stage sets, first dates,

waited at bus stops and train stations,

for your safety.


I have waited for the laughter to break out,

waited for the relief of being loved and forgiven,

Waited for the knowing of being known again.


I have waited for the I love you's,

Happy hello's and wistful goodbyes,

I have waited in doctors waiting rooms, hospital corridors,

Waited beside you as you left this place for the next


I have waited in your presence Lord.

Waited for God's doors to open

into richer wider expanses of satisfying rest and peace.



GRACE

Undeserved,

Not earned,

Not bought,

Priceless,

No strings attached,

Not manipulated,

Costly but free,

Kindness

Gift,

Love personified.



SPACES

The time between times,

the moments before you dive into living,

reframing the essential,

offsetting the jewel

with purpose for the beauty of life.


Spaces for myself, spaces for dreaming,

spaces for thinking,

for creating,

For just being,

Spaces for rest.


OPEN BOAT

Peace on the boat, peace rocking on silken waves,

Drifting, drifting,

the current floats me to a safer shore,

The sky is blue splattered with clouds,

white,

the sea lifts me up and lands me in a safe harbour,

Where time stops and life rests.


NIGHT OUT.

Night out, couples sitting flirting across tables,

Hands held beneath

Love singles chancing their arm,

Looking their cool

In the local on Karaoke night,


Warm breath, warm beer, women dressed to the nine's in killer heels,

Men half drunk with anticipation,

Supping liquid hops through a straw,

Will it be glass half full or half empty tonight.


Lonely people loose themselves in others,

hide in the laughter and enjoy the overflow

of beer and wine and hugging, kissing,


Music belches out of key and time,

except when she sings and the room quietens

and the sound of listening echoes as the notes.

jam and jazz


I saw them, she dancing breathless to keep up with him

as he moves, silky smooth,

duet rehearsed over years,

They meld together through the poses,

liquid gold


And then he drops to his knees.

Like a man lost in fervent worship,

again and again he is lost in sharing his dance, his life

My woman is too amazing for me.

With my body I worship you.




MY FACE

So strained, taut skin over aging bones,

the beauty is still there if you look, closely

but overlaid with creases

laughter yes but if you look

without imposing on my field of vision

creases of sorrow a memory of life's

hard fought lessons,

Some could have been avoided if I had listened to you Lord

Still the lines and creases grow in beauty

Like the deepening of the shadows which highlight

the softness of the skin.

I choose to laugh even when it hurts even when the pain stabs

and I forgive again

Hard fought lessons or what we call experience

shape me mould me, impress on me

Until I am deeply compassionate to others

For what else would they be for

Time to forgive myself to let myself off the hook

to laugh again so that the lines

turn upwards once more.


Will you kiss my face and erase the creases.

with tender kisses and kind caresses

Will you.


Loved by you makes me young removes the lines of grief and sadness.




























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